Who this book is for?

“Relationship is the quick path.” – Chogyam Trungpa

Why read this book?

This is a book for men who want to relate more successfully and more powerfully to women. It is for men who want to live their lives as the fullest possible expression of their love and of their purpose, and who want their relationships with women to reflect that.

I am also writing for women who want to understand men better in order to bring out the best from them and relate to them more lovingly. Indeed, the type of shift advocated here can be initiated by either men or women, and their partners usually will respond. However, I am going to focus primarily on the masculine side of the Man/Woman game, simply because I am a man and therefore I cannot claim to fully understand women, and must be cautious in giving them advice… even, and especially, for their own good. Men’s ideas on what is good for women are almost always off base.

You may be single and horny and looking for a way to attract women and then relate to them in a way that is authentic to you, and yet successful. You may already have one or more lovers, but find yourself struggling to understand them and what they want from you, what you yourself want, and what you actually have to give.

This book describes a way of life: men and women living inside an inter-dependent network of active communication, feedback, and appreciation – a network of love, a culture of acknowledgement and affirmation. This way of life can be hard work, and is not for everyone, but if the idea resonates, please read on.

Dale Carnegie (1888-1955)
Dale Carnegie was a writer, speaker and the developer of famous courses in self-improvement, salesmanship, public speaking, and interpersonal skills. These courses are popular to this day. He is the author of the bestseller How to Win Friends and Influence People (1936), which is recommended reading for anybody playing the Man/Woman game. Dale Carnegie is an American legend whose practical, down-to-earth ideas on relationships and communication have influenced millions.

Many of the attitudes and communication practices described here are universal, and will generate greater closeness and collaboration with anyone, man or woman. In fact, some of these ideas go back to commonsense but powerful relationship practices first articulated by Dale Carnegie, and later by Marshall Rosenberg’s book Non-Violent Communication. Even if you are not motivated by sexual intimacy at this point in your life, you might find these ideas useful.

In my own case, however, my life did not take off until I started applying these communication practices, and sexual polarity theory, to my relationships with women. It took me a very long time to figure all this out – two-thirds of a lifetime, more or less. I had some wise and powerful teachers, or I would never have learned at all. I hope you will not need to spend two-thirds of your life to just understand the basics, as I did. You will get it, and your life will take off.

This book is in a new class of relationship books that might be called “honest attraction” [Mark Manson]. Manson’s idea that the key for men to attract women is to invest in themselves, and from there to become more discerning, authentic, and vulnerable men. Such men have higher quality attention on women because they have less attention on themselves. By investing in ourselves, we naturally move into a space of wanting to contribute to women. This is both more effective and more fun than traditional seduction techniques. We go deeply into Manson’s ideas in Chapter 11.

Mark Manson (1984 – )
Manson is a young American author, entrepreneur, personal development and dating coach.His 2011 book Models is a breakthrough in men’s attraction literature, and entirely fulfills Manson’s stated goal of providing “a model for being an attractive, integrated man in the 21st century.” Models is a must-read book for men who wish to understand how their sexuality and the psychology of attraction can fit in to a holistic developmental strategy for themselves.

There are no models, as Manson points out, for becoming an attractive and integrated man in the 21st century. Men yearn for a way of life that combines their passion to excel by becoming fully themselves, with their love and desire for women. If that describes you, here is what I suggest: own your truth. You are a man who loves women, and who wants them. You simply need to learn to express that, and be that, in a way that works for both you and your partners. In other words, be prepared to do your work. A masculine person must lead in communication. This book will show you how.

This book is one of the very few men’s attraction books that work well even at the relationship stage (after the seduction stage), and it is the only men’s attraction book that even mentions the topic of sacred sexuality, or Tantric sexuality [David Deida, Chris Menné]. Sacred sexuality is something you will want to try, but knowing where to begin is difficult. This book will help you with that, and also will guide you through the vast sea of misinformation that surrounds even ordinary human sexuality and the psychology of attraction.

This is the book I wish my father had given me. It would have saved me 10 years in my developmental journey. It would have avoided a great deal of loneliness and hurt that I dealt both myself and my intimate partners during 55 years of living, hurt that was caused by ignorance, and it would have brought me to power much sooner in my life. My ardent hope is that it does this for you.

I will make you a bold promise: if you take on and start practicing these principles in your life whenever the need arises – for instance, when you are having an argument with your partner, or when you are asking a woman out – you will have results that will greatly surprise you, by becoming a more loving person, one who is naturally more attractive to the opposite sex.

And it is even possible that you could make yourself, and at least one woman, deliriously happy. I am not young any more, but I am young enough to believe that happiness, or at least being at peace with ourselves and the world as it is, is our human birthright. For many people, deep sexual intimacy is the fastest way to happiness and success. And it could even take you all the way to a spiritual awakening (see Chapter 33).

Many people are strongly motivated to achieve real sexual intimacy. But nobody taught us how to relate powerfully to the opposite sex. Good sexual loving is one of the most profound and most fulfilling of human experiences. Don’t give up too soon! It is a lot easier than most people realize.

Be optimistic: your future is bright

Despite the enormous economic, cultural, political and environmental challenges that the world is facing today, and despite the sexual and emotional misery that many men and women endure, I remain an optimist. You might consider also becoming one.

The reason for my optimism is that I believe that the time has come to “let us see now what love can do” [William Penn]. For sure, people have been trying this throughout human history, on and off, but we have never, ever before had the intellectual and material resources, and the freedom, and the network, that we have today. We have reached critical mass, and the phenomena described in this book are going to start to happen, really fast, perhaps even within the next generation.

The fastest way to learn how to love is with our opposite-polarity partners. It is both extraordinarily effective and not that difficult once you get the basic idea, and most men are highly motivated to it. Once you and your woman start to deeply love each other, your love will expand of its own accord. Learning how to have real love in your life gives you a critical role in the evolution of human consciousness. Healing relationships between men and women, and re-opening our natural flow of sexual loving, may be the most effective strategy to putting humanity back on the path of love.

Here is why it is so effective: You can stand with your lover in the crucible of creation, the source of life and of all manifestation, you and your lover as a microcosm of the eternal interplay of masculine and feminine. You will be Shiva, dancing with Shakti and creating the world. How this works is a great mystery, a force beyond words and conceptualization, it is the Godhead in each of us. Real love taps into the most powerful force in the Universe. Why not “see what love can do?”. indeed.

In other words, playing a sexual polarity game, either externally (the Man/Woman game) or internally as described in Chapter 34, could take you closer to the realm of perfect manifestation. This is when the Universe aligns with you without any effort. It is when you barely have to say something, and it happens, often within 24 hours. Many people have experienced this at some time in their lives, whether or not they can explain it.

All of this might strike you as “New Age woo-woo.” I am actually an engineer and not usually disposed to such nonsense, but I need to say it. It is possible that it is true. You will need to judge for yourself – after you have been practicing love for a while. Maybe a short while. “Love is not time-bound” [Jerry Jud].

A few disclaimers

Alison Armstrong (1960 – )
Alison Armstrong is the founder of PAX Programs Inc., offering workshops on man/woman relationships, communication and sexuality. PAX’s flagship program, the Queen’s Code Workshop®, is a weekend educational workshop for women, which transforms the way they relate to men. It facilitates the reconciliation many women are seeking with men and outlines the skills necessary for women to realize powerful, satisfying relationships with all of the men in their lives.

First, please translate the terms “man/woman” and “masculine/feminine,” into your own particular “gender-speak.” We are discussing a relationship style that some people call the Man/Woman game, also known as Sexual Polarity. It relates to many types of human interactions, and you may find the ideas apply to you regardless of your gender preferences, relationship style, or fetishes. Some more caveats on sexual polarity are offered at the end of Chapter 5.

Second, this book focuses mostly on the masculine side of the Man/Woman game. If you are primarily feminine, you might still find the ideas and practices valuable; but you may also want to look up Alison Armstrong’s Queen’s Code, which is a rather precise feminine-polarity counterpart to this book. Alison has, God bless her, built a significant education platform and offers interactive workshops as well.

Third, these ideas are radical, and maybe challenging. Indeed, they are in direct opposition to the dominant relationship model that most Western-educated people have adopted for the last 40 years (see Chapter 20: Feminism and the rise of Whole and Complete.)

An important caveat: the limitations of human developmental systems

Khalil Gibran (1883 – 1931)
Gibran was a Lebanese artist, poet, and writer, best known for his book The Prophet (1923), from which many of his quotes in this book are taken. His writings are heavily influenced by Sufism, a mystical tradition characterized by an emphasis on the ecstatic nature of man’s relationship to God. He is the third best-selling poet of all time, behind Shakespeare and Lao-Tsu.

Before we begin, let’s set realistic expectations: No relationship model, or developmental system whether it deal with sexual polarity or not, will either guarantee success in relationship, or fully model a topic as rich, as deep, as diverse as human relationships.

Learning to love well – with our sexual partners, friends, children, and co-workers – is going to be a lifetime of work. Understanding the fundamentals of good human sexual loving will only account for 10% to 20% of your success, at best. The remaining 80% to 90% you will need to acquire from other teachers and from the school of hard knocks. You will need to be “wounded in your understanding of love” [Khalil Gibran]. Eventually, you may need to break all models and structures and just give yourself to love. In the meantime, however, you will likely get hurt, and still you will have a glorious life. There is no way to learn how to love, except by being hurt. It is God’s plan, resistance is futile.

Even so, what you can learn in these pages is an excellent beginning. And so:

Let us begin… or at least let us start again

This book is short, and this is by design. I have attempted to write a love manual for men, and so I have taken out the fluff. We men like to get to the point, I hope you will not be disappointed. You can read it all in one sitting, or you can graze by reviewing the topics that currently interest you.

Take a chance with me. Give this book a few hours of your time. Even 15 minutes might give you something priceless.