My Story: The Connection Movement and the Future of Love and Sex


The Book

As Lovers Do is a both a profound analysis of the issues that stop men and women from getting along, and a practical guide for creating deeper relationships and having better sex.  Starting with the basic idea that men’s natural role and deepest desire is to support women, take care of them and attempt to make them happy — an idea that is frequently ridiculed and denied in our post-conventional society, which pretends that men and women are the same — we  then review new models and distinctions on sexual relationships which carry the potential to dramatically improve the quality of our intimate relationships, and to end patriarchy as we know it.
Some of the wise and powerful teachers whose ideas are reviewed are: Scott Peck and Jerry Jud on human loving; David Deida, Victor Baranco and Alison Armstrong on sexual polarity, sacred sexuality and female orgasm; Marshall Rosenberg, Dale Carnegie and Werner Erhard on emotional communication; Mark Manson and Steve Bodansky on sexual attraction and seduction; and Dieter Duhm on internalized oppression.  Some of these great teachers are still alive, others have passed-on; all of them built significant learning communities; but As Lovers Do is the only summary and integration of these powerful ideas into a comprehensive system for understanding man/woman relationships.  If you don’t know who these teachers are, and why their ideas are important, you are in for an eye-opening experience!  Also included, is a large section on training resources and and emotional communication tools, some of which have never been published before, including the powerful practice of Withholds and “you don’t need to get what you want if you can express what you want”.

Sexual intimacy is one of the deepest human needs, and yet the one that is most frequently repressed and denied — doubly so as men and women often repeatedly act out self-destructive patterns in pursuit of their sexual and relational needs.  We do this, mostly, out of ignorance, attempting to follow social norms that are broken and lead to poor results.  In reality, relating powerfully to the opposite sex is a lot easier than most people realize, once you get the basic idea.

Note: the book is written from a male perspective and therefore should be of particular interest to young men, who are as a rule shockingly and tragically ignorant about women. However there is wisdom here for people of all ages and genders.

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God said to Adam and Eve, “I have two gifts, one for each.”Spying the rubbery thing in God’s right hand, Adam asked, “Lord what is that?”And God replied, “It is a penis. With it you would be able to have sex and piss standing up.”And Adam said, “Oh, that is for me,” as he ran outside to pee his name in the sand and otherwise play with his new toy.

God turned to Eve and held up the grey lump in his left hand, saying, “My Word, I do not understand human free will. I was certain he would want this brain. Ah well, I will give it to you.”


“Sexuality is the #1 super-power” – Dieter Duhm

As Lovers Do is a practical guide for building community, increasing the number and quality of your intimate relationships, and having better sex. It is an integration of the work of many beloved and powerful teachers. Some of these teachers are still with us, others have passed-on; some are well known and others not; but all of them built significant learning communities. The integration of these teachings results in an intellectually compelling, practical and useful system for creating intentional loving community and for helping men and women get along better.

“Love” is defined as the act of giving other people what they want and need for their own happiness and growth [Scott Peck and Jerry Jud]. We do this is by increasing the quality of our attention, communication and appreciation [Dale Carnegie, Marshall Rosenberg, Werner Erhard]. The currency of love is attention and appreciation.

A further distinction on love is provided by concepts of Sexual Polarity [David Deida, Victor Baranco, Alison Armstrong]. Masculine and Feminine are ways of being that we choose in the moment, and we may make a difference choice in the next moment. In our post-conventional, feminist society, we tend to ridicule and deny the reality of sexual polarity under the belief that human beings are androgynous. In many cases this equality creates a loss of happiness and power as we end up suppressing our real nature. We often imagine that our intimate partners can instinctively understand how we think and feel. They can’t. We need to learn their language.

On a personal level, this book is for men and women who want to have better relationships, both sexual and social. It is particularly effective for men seeking to attract women because it is compatible with a new seduction model called “honest attraction” [Mark Manson].

On a political level, it presents a plan for ending patriarchy and systemic violence in the world. This idea is inspired by Dieter Duhm’s words: “There can be no peace on earth as long as there is war in love,” suggesting that healing relationships between men and women and finding fulfilling sexual expression is the most immediate and impactful thing we can do to put humanity back on the path of love. It’s also a very fun game.

The path to true personal power in our complex world lies through deeper partnership and collaboration, which are other words for love. The outcome of this process is greater happiness and greater success or freedom — these being aspects of feminine and masculine goals, goals that support and complement each other perfectly, but whose simultaneous achievement has so far eluded most of us, and humanity as a whole as well.

“Men and women have searched for each other for generations and always missed one another” [Dieter Duhm]. This book is an attempt to explain why we have so much trouble connecting and what can be done about it. We have the capacity to transform our relationships with all the people in our lives, starting immediately with our intimate partners.


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